Tonsley Thames Canoe Challenge

Thud - the canoe runs straight into the other side of the river! Our first manoeuvre and a desperate attempt to get out of the pull of the Osney weir had us paddle squarely into a huge post on the far bank. A good start and thank goodness no one was watching.

After a champagne breakfast we cast off from Oxford and started on our epic journey navigating down the upper reaches of the Thames to our spiritual home of Tonsley, SW London.

The crew, Mike Gatting (Rob), Bono (Joe), Jar-Jar Bings (Floody) and a NUTS magazine competition winner (Woolfy), had initially thought that the recent flooding would help enormously with the flow to make this trip more of a pleasure cruise than physical excursion. It quickly dawned on us that this was not going to be the case.

		With Tonsley boaters donned and the bow and stern of the boat decorated with a Tonsley angel and devil. we passed through Abingdon onto our first pub stop at the Barley Mow in Clifton Hampden. After a well earned bite to eat and successful haggling for fishing tackle from a junior angler we made good progress through Wallingford and onto Goring for a spot of no sleeping under canvas. A quaint pub, the Catherine Wheel, has two things on the menu - Burgers and Pizzas - and a hundred derivations of each! There is also a secret gents loo which doubles up as a Harry Potter prop. None of us had the energy to drink or Woolfy the energy to talk - silence…bliss
Floody, Woolfy, Joe and Rob - Osney Island and heading 'home'

After his customary four dumps, Rob steered us out of Goring and onto what we hoped would be a quaint café for breakfast in Whitchurch, Pangbourne or Mapledurham but nothing materialised and so we had to settle for roast chicken in Tesco's café in Reading - not so great. However, before breakfast we had stopped at the Oratory School shrine to Floody and Rob which they call their boathouse - at which we paid homage to a right couple of lycra cladded woofter types!

With Floody stroking and Woolfy bum shuffling we paddled through Henley (cheeky ale at the Angel), Hurley and Marlow to pull out a massive 33 miles on day two, to end at Cookham only to be met by Robert, Ed, Jake, Archie and Harry. Accommodation with Fred West's cousin in the Old Swan Uppers served us well although Anton's future as a restaurant critic is in somewhat jeopardy.

We breakfasted at the infamous Blue River Café and then followed the river twisting and turning through Windsor. Lunched at the Bell's of Ouzeley on the Runnymede/Magna Carta stretch of the river and then onto Egham, Staines, Shepperton, Walton-on-Thames and Sonning for our final overnighter before taking on the tidal reaches of the Lower Thames . However we were humbled en route by three guys who were travelling in a two man canoe non-stop from Lechlade to Teddington - great effort. We were met in the Phoenix (won't go there again in a hurry) by Nicky, Ailish, John, Sam and Megan who pointed us towards the Lensbury Club for pampering and a hot shower. Great solution - especially as we couldn't seem to make up our minds on accommodation - at one stage Woolfy was going back to Rob's to stay with Nicky, Rob was staying with his mother in law and Floody and I were in a field with Harriet's horses!?!

After various taxis, we set-off on our last leg passing Hampton Court, Surbiton, Kingston and to the last lock of the non-tidal stretch, Teddington. We hauled the craft down the weir on rollers and launched into the tidal waters of the lower Thames. We found the going good and weaved our way through Twickenham, Richmond and onto Kew for Pizzas before the tide would change in our favour and we would drift around to the finish.

However, the wind picked up and the tidal chart was either incorrect or our interpretation of it was! We battled though the toughest stretch of the trip - wind and rain horizontal and against us, paddling into the tidal current. We shut up to avoid a sense of humour failure and hauled in bridge by bridge (Chiswick, Barnes, Hammersmith and Putney).

Sadly we were unable to land at Wandsworth due to there being no suitable landing stations and so we clambered out the Thames at Putney after 3 nights, 3.5 days, 26 hours of paddling (not including lock time), 34 locks, 106 miles, 59,283 strokes per man, 147 bum shuffles (per Woolfy) and 16 No2 toilet stops for Rob.

A great trip, fun, banter and physical excursion was had by all! Here's to the next quest - the Amazon with a spray-deck!

…and congratulations to Woolfy for raising £1,500 for the Oxford Children's Hospital and to think he could have had an additional £400 if he had only taken on the lock wall licking challenge.

JB